Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  DON’T COME IN MY ROOM

  okay

  okay I won’t

  I’m sorry honey

  Hamlet?

  honey?

  Samuel Taylor Coleridge

  what if the moon was haunted

  by women who had sex with demons

  what

  what if kubla khan made a whole dome

  just for pleasure

  and put an ocean underneath the ground

  with no sun in it

  wow

  i don’t know

  and rivers flung boulders up out of the earth at people

  haha

  flung ’em right up at people’s stupid faces

  i guess that would really be something

  you’re damn right it’d be something

  caves of ice

  and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels

  and sacred rivers screaming beware

  and your hair would float

  and

  ugh hang on

  two seconds

  there’s a guy here

  ok

  be right back

  you still there?

  uuuuugh

  that guy

  who was it?

  some asshole from Porlock

  what did he want

  to talk to me for like

  a million hours

  about nothing

  apparently

  anyhow

  what was i saying

  fuck

  what was i saying

  something about a river

  no

  that wasn’t it

  fuuuuuck

  hey do you have any opium

  Hamlet

  Part IV

  your friends are here to see you

  do you want me to send them up?

  they’re not my real friends

  if they were really my friends theyd leave me alone

  your girlfriend’s here with them

  should she leave you alone too?

  first of all

  she’s not my girlfriend

  second of all

  denmark is a PRISON

  maybe if you left your room

  it wouldn’t seem so much like one

  maybe if you went outside

  or just came down to dinner maybe

  stop telling me what to do

  you’re a fascist

  everything is such bullshit

  men

  women

  animals

  the sky

  you

  such bullshit

  Part II

  Jane Eyre

  JANE

  MY LITTLE SUNBEAM

  WHERE ARE YOU

  I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

  I’m taking a walk

  be back for dinner

  AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE

  COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN

  RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE

  RUINED WOODS

  do you really want me to describe my walk to you

  MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH

  it is fairly cloudy out

  looks like rain soon

  AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE

  SHOULD RETURN

  TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER

  SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES

  MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST

  all right

  JANE

  JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN

  THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT

  where on earth would I wear that

  YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON

  that seems impractical

  how would i even breathe on the moon?

  I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE

  JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE

  I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE

  I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

  i am with my cousins

  WHICH COUSIN

  IS IT THE SEXY ONE

  Please don’t try to talk to me again

  IT IS YOUR SEXY COUSIN

  “ST. JOHN”

  WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN

  I’m not going to answer that

  I KNEW IT

  DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE

  IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

  yes

  Absolutely

  BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC

  IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT

  IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW

  DON’T CROSS ME

  HAHA I’M ONLY JOKING

  I hope you’re packed for India already

  I’m not going to India with you, St. John

  That’s not what these TWO TICKETS TO INDIA say

  You know I don’t want to marry you

  Why don’t you marry Rosamond instead?

  Take her with you

  Marry her?

  MARRY HER?

  Don’t be ridiculous

  I’m attracted to her

  That’s disgusting

  You are disgusting, Jane

  So you’re really not coming then

  I’m really not

  I would be an amazing husband

  you know that?

  I know

  I taught you Hindi and everything

  That’s basically the same as getting engaged

  for missionaries

  And I really appreciate that

  It will be terribly useful in my career as an English governess

  See?

  That

  There.

  that is exactly the kind of tone I mean

  One round of cholera in the tropics would sear

  that sarcasm right out of you

  guess I really missed out

  Guess so

  Sherlock Holmes

  this is quite a puzzle, Watson

  damned right, Holmes

  hell of a puzzle

  what I want to know is how did the vicar know the archbishop’s

  Pekingese had developed an immunity to snake bites?

  there’s only one thing we’re missing

  only one thing we need that will help us solve this case

  we need to question Lady Emily again

  no, Watson

  oh

  it’s not

  …

  COCAINE, WATSON

  ah

  we’re going to need loads of cocaine

  SCADS of it

  Sherlock, the others are already on their way

  We’ve got to meet them at the museum

  I yes

  yes yes yes definitely for yes will be there

  just give me five minutes for an errand

  to do

  five minutes

  Sherlock please don’t

  Sherlock?

  Christ

  at least tell me where you are

  so I can come get you

  I’m sorry Lestrade

  I don’t think he’s coming

  I’ve tried calling him but he’s not picking up

  it’s snowing

  and I don’t think he took a coat with him

  JOHN

  JOHN

  DID YOU KNOW

  THEY MAKE COCAINE

  THAT YOU CAN SMOKE

  good god Sherlock where have you been

  you can just smoke it

  it’s incredible

  tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

  they call it crack and it’s marvelous

  just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

  I’M NEVER LEAVING

  do you have any idea how much cocaine they have here

  I imagine quite a lot

  QUITE A LOT

  you can bring me my violin if you want

  and my hat

  do you want anything else?

  no

  just the violin and my hat and a b
ig old mess of cocaine

  that’s all I need

  what about the mystery

  hang all mysteries

  the only mystery I want to solve

  is how much cocaine I can fit in my face

  the mystery of how much face cocaine I can have

  that’s the mystery for me

  Emily Dickinson

  I saw –

  Today –

  a Cricket Man,

  okay

  he did not stop to Chat —

  is that it

  did anything else happen

  No –

  let’s go out tonight okay

  we don’t have to do anything big but I think we should go out

  just for dinner or something

  I think that would be a good idea

  Go out, Again? -

  I went Out to Mount Holyoke

  for college

  you went there for college thirteen years ago

  And now I must rest.

  have you seen –

  my Shawl

  which shawl

  the White shawl

  I thought you were wearing your white shawl

  a person can have more than one white Shawl

  a person cannot be content with but one white Shawl

  i think i saw it downstairs

  Alas

  just on the couch

  You know I do not go downed Stairs

  I will knit a new one

  that’s ridiculous

  when I die

  I wish to be buried in that Shawl

  I wish to be buried — in ten Thousand Shawls –

  you’re not dying

  you’re just afraid of the stairs

  No Coward Soul Is Mine

  I fear no Step’d Floor

  do you want me to just bring it to you

  if you are already going to be coming Upstairs

  will you also grab my slippers by the Door

  and also –

  yes?

  some — Tea

  okay

  also there are four more Shawls on the stairs

  bring those too

  A narrow Fellow in the Grass

  Occasionally rides —

  do you mean Harris?

  the caretaker?

  You may have met Him —

  That’s Harris

  His notice sudden is —

  have you been hiding in the yard again?

  he is snakes

  He is not snakes

  he is definitely Snakes

  you know it scares the maids when you hide in the yard

  A Burdock – clawed my Gown

  Emily

  A Bird came down the Walk

  A Rat Surrendered here

  Emily none of this is true

  Fame is a Bee

  I can see you from the window

  nothing’s clawing at you or surrendering

  a soft Sea is washing around the house

  I haven’t told the Garden yet

  Emily why don’t you come inside

  A Toad can die of Light, you know

  I know

  why don’t you come inside

  I’ll get your white shawl

  which white Shawl

  whichever one you want

  I want the one in the library

  okay

  will you come inside then?

  Toads can die of light you know

  I believe you

  Kills them right up

  Emily

  Emily, dearest

  will you please let me in?

  I just want to air out your room

  Air has no Residence

  no Neighbor

  Emily, it’s been an awfully long time since you came out

  can I please come in?

  not — Now –

  When can I come in?

  After a hundred years

  Emily

  will you give me a real amount of time, please?

  After all Birds have been investigated and laid aside

  do you have birds in there?

  After the Sun comes out

  Emily

  answer the question

  At Half past Three

  how many birds are in there

  A single Bird

  this is why people don’t visit us

  the bird thing

  Back from the cordial Grave I dragged him

  is the bird still alive, Emily?

  do you know what the Best witchcraft is?

  Emily

  Geometry

  just tell me if the bird is still alive

  COCOONS ABOVE

  COCOONS BELOW

  I’m coming in

  COCOONS

  Oliver Twist

  please madam

  it being Christmas and all

  might I

  if you would not object

  might I be allowed to eat the cheese the rats have

  left behind in the traps?

  the rat-cheese?

  you impertinent boy

  that’s the most important cheese of all

  and later tonight

  for asking the matron a question on a Sunday

  I shall have you soundly killed

  I understand

  after you are killed I shall expect you to scrub the stairs

  yes ma’am

  then you shall clean out the grease-pans and report back

  to Chumsley Fezzlethroat

  and he shall kill you again before bed

  does this mean i shan’t have to sweep out the chimneys

  with my own hair tonight ma’am

  how dare you ask such a question

  you dreadful, grimy boy

  of course your head will be used to sweep out the chimneys

  now go stand out in the rain until you have melted

  yes ma’am

  and no supper until you are thirty-five

  yes ma’am

  and after that the sixth-form boys will seize you about the ankles

  and dip you into the electric loom at the mill

  until you are torn to shreds

  yes ma’am

  then the shreds will be sent to work for a family of twelve

  in Coventry

  the family lives in an old boot

  and you shall have to keep the boot spotlessly clean

  and if I hear that any of your shreds have displeased

  the household I shall ride a sledge of furious dogs

  into your bedroom and read the book of Lamentations

  aloud until you have been eaten alive

  by the furious dogs

  yes ma’am

  Merry Christmas to you, then

  run along, you little scamp

  Merry Christmas, matron

  I spoil you, you know

  I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it

  my heart’s too easily touched

  yes ma’am

  thank you ma’am

  Lord Byron

  uuuuuugghhhh my life

  what is it?

  what’s wrong?

  uuuuuuuugh

  is there something specific that’s the matter?

  or anything I can do to help?

  uuuugh

  my liiiiife

  do you want me to come over?

  uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughghghghhhhh

  oh my god

  what

  this guy

  this publisher guy

  is asking me about my favorite canto in Child Harolde

  that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter

  his half-sister or his cousins

  it’s literally impossible

  hey

  do you think we could just stay in tonight maybe

  i’m so wiped out from last night

  we could just stay in

  get in our jammies and not see anyone

  maybe build a fire

&nbs
p; oh wow