Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  really?

  hahaha i’m kidding

  there’s already a sex pigeon in your room

  i’m coming over in five minutes

  oh

  by the way

  do you have that cream from before

  the anti chafing cream

  we’re going to need a lot of it

  to prevent chafing

  oh okay

  choirboys chafe easy imho

  uuuuuuuughhh

  nothing’s any good

  what’s the matter

  EVERYTHING

  do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain

  i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain

  of course i want to have sex with the rain

  how can you even say that

  i feel like you don’t even know me

  maybe

  you should focus

  on all the things that you can have sex with

  Yeah maybe

  i just want to live you know

  right

  i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy

  right

  Yeah and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t

  uuuuuuuughhhh

  i should just go die in Greece

  what?

  nothing

  I wrote a poem today

  do you want to hear it

  okay

  Near this Spot

  are deposited the Remains of one

  who possessed Beauty without Vanity,

  Strength without Insolence,

  Courage without Ferosity,

  and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.

  This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery

  if inscribed over human Ashes,

  is but a just tribute to the Memory of

  BOATSWAIN, a DOG,

  who was born in Newfoundland May 1803

  and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.

  hey totally unrelated

  do you remember how many children i have?

  i’m trying to do a tax thing right now

  and i have nooooo idea haha

  like

  it’s for sure SOME

  no sorry

  fuck

  i gotta write some letters

  uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

  John Keats

  oh my god

  oh my god

  do you know what I LOVE

  like what I am just crazy about

  is it this urn

  THIS

  URN

  I figured

  you seemed really excited

  THIS GRECIAN URN

  it’s really pretty

  FUCK OFF WITH THAT REALLY PRETTY BULLSHIT

  IT’S THE BRIDE OF QUIETNESS

  IT’S THE CHILD OF TIME AND OF SILENCE AND IT’S SO GOOD

  IT’S LIKE IMAGINARY MUSIC

  I FUCKING LOVE THIS URN SO MUCH

  IT’S GOT A PRIEST ON IT

  HE’S ALL MYSTERIOUS

  FUCKIN MYSTERIOUS PRIEST

  THERE’S A COW ON IT

  WEARING FLOWERS

  AND MAIDENS

  IT’S GOT TRUTH ON IT

  THIS URN TELLS THE GODDAMN TRUTH

  IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

  right, right

  FUCK YOU

  ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT IT

  I am

  I am looking at it

  ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT IT

  I am

  I swear

  like really look at it though

  okay

  okay I will

  good

  Sorry

  it’s okay

  I didn’t mean to get so carried away

  I know

  I just love this urn

  so much

  it really is a great urn

  it really is

  i just love it so much

  I know

  it’s okay

  Emma

  darling Emma

  have you seen our friend Mr. Martin?

  he was to take me to tea this afternoon but he isn’t here

  oh Harriet!

  do you really still like him??

  oh

  I did

  Yes

  i told him you were not virtuous

  and i think that got rid of him

  i didn’t think you still liked him

  you wouldn’t have liked him for much longer anyhow

  lol what would your name even have been if

  you married him

  “Mrs. Farmer”??

  that’s not even a name, Harriet

  “hi I’m Mrs. Farmer I’m married to a farm”

  bugs live on farms, Harriet

  also

  for another thing

  he is dreadful at whist

  oooh

  do you want to come over and play whist??

  wait

  i think it was Mr. Martin

  i definitely told SOMEONE you were not virtuous

  lollll

  idk who exactly but

  it was for sure definitely someone

  Father

  I want to make a new house rule

  no more servants getting married

  remember when Miss Taylor got married?

  it was awful

  we didn’t have enough people in the house to play whist for weeks

  anyhow

  I guess what I’m trying to say is

  I told Hannah she has to turn down Mr. Smith

  I was firm but fair

  she’s the only one in the servant’s hall to ever lead a grand slam

  and she wanted to throw that away

  just because she is with child

  anyhow

  want to come downstairs and play whist???

  One new voicemail from Jane Fairfax

  Press 7 to save your message

  Press 8 to delete your message

  88888888888888888

  Command not recognized

  8

  Your message has been deleted

  do you know what I can’t stand

  what

  reserved people

  oh my god right

  I could definitely never marry a reserved person

  ahhhhhh Frank

  I’m the same

  me too I’m the same way

  do you know what I LOVE though

  living life to the fullest

  shut up

  and dancing

  and whist??

  oh totally whist

  whisting to the fullest

  I agree completely

  wow

  we’re like the same person

  the same not-reserved person

  I’ve never met anyone like you

  Frank

  would you like to come over and play whist?

  no

  not whist

  Piquet

  ahhh sorry can’t

  i’m married

  :(

  Pride and Prejudice

  And you must see to it that your sister invites Mr. Bingley, Lizzie

  He isn’t here, Mother

  Isn’t here?

  he must be here

  the ball is in seven days

  and if he is not here then how will we convince our

  Mr. Darcy to attend?

  Mr. Darcy is not here either

  no?

  but I thought he was in London

  for business

  and would return in time for the ball

  No

  he is not in London

  he is on a ship

  he is going to war

  but this is terrible news

  There is an actual war on right now

  against Napoleon

  how could this have happened??

  He was commissioned months ago

  And Mr. Bingley?

  He is also there

&n
bsp; He is also at the war that is happening now

  oh my god

  we are going to have to put off this ball

  Probably yes

  do you know who I miss?

  Who?

  Mr. Collins

  remember Mr. Collins?

  remember him?

  remember when he visited?

  I do

  I do remember

  what I liked about him the most

  was how much he wanted to marry you

  remember that?

  Yes

  remember when there was someone who wanted to marry you

  yes

  hahahaha

  there isn’t anyone like that now

  Mother, have you seen Mary?

  No one has seen her since Jane returned from London

  Mary?

  yes

  Mary who?

  I don’t know anybody by that name

  Mary

  Mary Bennett

  mm

  I don’t believe so

  doesn’t sound familiar

  Does this mean that Mr. Wickham has left too?

  for the war?

  yes

  you’re asking if military officer Mr. Wickham has also gone off to war?

  yes

  He has also gone off to war, yes

  Just

  good God

  if there is a man you are thinking of

  under the age of 35

  who is in the militia or an officer of any kind

  he is probably at the war

  is that where your friend Mary went too

  the one who went missing

  I don’t think so

  well you should check

  apparently everyone is going there

  apparently no one is going to balls anymore because they just

  can’t get enough of Napoleon

  did you mean MARY?

  did I mean what?

  when you were talking about Mary earlier

  were you talking about MARY Mary?

  which Mary did you think I was talking about?

  the tall one

  the one who lives upstairs

  with the glasses

  the upstairs girl

  who frowns at the piano

  oh Jane i’m so happy for you

  Thank you

  and Lizzie too of course

  Yes, that’s wonderful

  and now Lydia too

  thank God you all found such wonderful men to marry

  Thank you

  we would all honestly be homeless right now if you hadn’t

  I suppose that’s true

  we would have nowhere to go

  everyone we know would just

  allow that to happen to us

  I hope you don’t think I was so hard on all of you about it

  without cause

  No of course not

  It’s just that if you didn’t marry I would spend the rest of my life

  worrying about my homeless daughters

  I’m just glad we’re all so happy now

  and even if you aren’t very happy

  literally your only other options would have been prostitution or

  begging

  so

  Let’s not talk about it

  Please have sons

  all right, Mother

  have sons and be happy

  I know

  I’m still going to lose the house

  the minute your father dies

  he’ll just be dead and I’ll have no husband

  and no house and nothing

  I know

  I’m going to have to live with one of you

  you’re going to have let me move in with you

  until I die

  I know

  Christ, it’s awful

  It really is

  Moby-Dick

  HROOOOOOOARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOGH

  good God in heaven

  what is this?

  HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRGGGGGHHHOO

  OOOORROOOOOHHH

  it is the whale

  it is the whale!

  Bellow all you like

  this boat never sheers off from anything that wears the

  shape of a whale

  LOLLLLLL no

  it’s just me

  Jesu Christ

  Ahab?

  lol you should have seen the look on your face

  my face?

  are you here?

  are you in my cabin?

  lol

  Maybe

  my God

  I thought the old white bull was upon us at last

  Ishmael

  hey Ishmael

  have i ever told you how to make soap out of whale oil

  Captain, if you do not need me, I must go back to sleep

  I shall need my rest for tomorrow’s hunt

  did u know u can make margarine out of whale oil

  I did not

  margarine!

  who would have guessed

  I do not know, Captain

  so for starters

  you actually have to hydrogenate it

  which I know sounds crazy but that’s how you get rid of

  that fishy smell

  I see

  you know that fish smell I mean

  like what everything smells like right now

  do you realize we could be back on Martha’s Vineyard in like six

  hours?

  maybe eight

  in less than a day we could be having dinner on Martha’s Vineyard

  after we have slain the whale, of course?

  ugh

  yes sure fine

  whatever

  we could be there in eight hours, is all I’m saying

  only after you have burst the hot heart of the mighty whale

  with spears and with knives and harpoons

  and we bear its carcass triumphantly back to shore

  uuugh

  it’s like always harpoons with you Ishmael

  hey what are you doing

  like right now

  i am shrouded in blackness

  in ten times black

  i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat

  awesome

  awesome

  that sounds awesome

  Do you need something from me, Captain?

  not really

  I guess not

  are you with Queequeg right now

  he is in his bunk

  recovering from his brush with death

  cool cool

  will you tell him I say hi?

  certainly

  great

  it’s not a big deal or anything

  you can make it sound casual

  ask him what he’s doing for dinner

  if he wants to have dinner in the captain’s quarters

  with me obviously

  haha

  like obviously I wouldn’t ask him to just have dinner

  by himself in a weird new part of the ship all alone

  Is there any other message I should give him?

  hmm?

  About the hunt tomorrow?

  hunt tomorrow

  For the whale

  For the white whale

  for the white whale, or the devil

  yesss oh yes definitely

  yes for sure that is still on

  whales whales whales

  I am super prepared for whales

  Tomorrow

  I will tell him

  Would you like me to ask him if he will attend the hunt, then?

  oh my God

  why so many Queequeg questions

  Captain?

  you’re just

  asking a lot of questions about him is all

  it’s kind of like you’re obsessed with him or something

  do you ever worry

  that the whale is like

  a metaphor

  a me
taphor?

  yeah

  sometimes

  me too

  me too

  do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?

  yeah

  ok

  be there in five