Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  Texts from

  Jane Eyre

  And Other Conversations with

  Your Favorite Literary Characters

  Mallory Ortberg

  Henry Holt and Company

  New York

  The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: http://us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.

  Contents

  Part I

  Medea

  Gilgamesh

  Achilles

  Dido

  Plato

  Circe

  Medea, Part II

  King Midas

  The Wife of Bath

  William Blake

  King Lear

  John Donne

  Hamlet

  Don Quixote

  Hamlet, Part II

  René Descartes

  William Wordsworth

  Hamlet, Part III

  Samuel Taylor Coleridge

  Hamlet, Part IV

  Part II

  Jane Eyre

  Sherlock Holmes

  Emily Dickinson

  Oliver Twist

  Lord Byron

  John Keats

  Emma

  Pride and Prejudice

  Moby-Dick

  Great Expectations

  Gone with the Wind

  Edgar Allan Poe

  Treasure Island

  Gone with the Wind, Part II

  Part III

  “The Yellow Wallpaper”

  Wuthering Heights

  Little Women

  Hamlet, Part V

  Henry David Thoreau

  Daisy Miller

  The Island of Dr. Moreau

  Daisy Miller, Part II

  Les Misérables

  A Tale of Two Cities

  Rudyard Kipling

  Daisy Miller, Part III

  Daisy Miller, Part IV

  The Sun Also Rises

  Agatha Christie

  The Great Gatsby

  Daisy Miller, Part V

  J. Alfred Prufrock

  Virginia Woolf

  William Faulkner

  Daisy Miller, Part VI

  Peter Pan

  The Great Gatsby, Part II

  Part IV

  Sweet Valley High

  The Outsiders

  The American Girl Series

  The Baby-Sitters Club

  Nancy Drew

  Atlas Shrugged

  Fight Club

  The Lorax

  Rebecca

  Cormac McCarthy

  The Hunger Games

  William Carlos Williams

  Harry Potter

  The Little Prince

  Part I

  Medea

  hiiiiiiii

  hi who is this

  it’s Glauce right??

  that is such a pretty name

  I am so crazy about how pretty your name is

  “Jason and Glauce” sounds so good together

  thank you

  who is this?

  when is the WEDDING

  I hope you guys have the Argonauts as groomsmen

  and they do the sword thing

  you know where they make the little roof with their swords

  and you run down underneath it

  it’s so cute

  oh my god what am I saying

  you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding

  it was just my favorite part of my wedding

  (except for the part where I married Jason!!!)

  (he is so fun to be married to)

  (tell him I say hi!!!)

  sorry

  who is this

  So I know we got off on the wrong foot

  it’s Medea!! save my number okay

  oh

  Hello

  but I wanted you to know

  I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings

  all of my feelings about you are just

  so soft

  and so normal

  just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love

  okay

  anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are

  I got you guys a wedding present!!!

  I know it’s not really “traditional” for the old wife to buy the new

  wife a gift

  (especially when she is still technically married to Jason)

  (who tell him I say hi!!!)

  buuuut I couldn’t help myself

  oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday

  yessss I TOTALLY MEAN THAT

  it’s a dress

  it’s a wedding dress

  thank you

  I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out

  but this is very sweet

  do you know what you should do though

  you should put it on

  you should put it on your skin and wear it just for a minute

  (be sure to put it on your skin)

  Gilgamesh

  come along Gilgamesh

  be you my husband

  to me grant your lusciousness

  I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli

  with wheels of gold

  be my husband and I will be your wife

  oh wow

  Ishtar

  that’s so flattering

  I’m so flattered

  the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains

  as tribute

  your she-goats will bear triplets

  that’s such a tempting offer

  your ewes twins

  your donkey will overtake the mule

  i would just

  love to

  but super quick question

  how is your boyfriend Tammuz

  these days

  is he still

  trapped in the Underworld?

  I don’t know what you mean

  how about all your other boyfriends

  still horribly dead

  or turned into wolves?

  you know what

  never mind

  i’m just super curious

  since you’ve murdered exactly all of them

  if maybe you were planning

  on doing that to me too

  i hope you get eaten by dogs

  there it is

  Achilles

  Achilles?

  Kiddo? Achilles?

  Hey bud you in there?

  hey champ I know you’re in there

  I can see you

  We just want to talk

  okay?

  no im not

  you’re not what

  not in your tent?

  no

  buddy it’s okay to be a little upset

  IM NOT UPSET

  okay

  IM FULL OF RIGHTEOUS FURY

  okay

  THE ANGER OF ACHILLES SON OF PELEUS BRINGS

  COUNTLESS ILL UPON THE ACHAEANS

  SO I DONT GET “A LITTLE UPSET” OK

  okay you got it

  we were just wondering

  when you might be thinking

  of coming back to the war that we’re having

  well A of all youre being condecending

  what did I say?

  it wasnt what you said it was HOW you said it

  and B of all i quit war forever

  so

  that’s when i’m coming back

  whenever i un-forever quit war, which is never, so never

  what’s this about, buddy?


  he took that girl i liked

  who did

  that guy

  I can’t say his name

  the guy with the long name and the sun helmet

  Agamemnon?

  yeah that guy

  he took that girl I like

  which girl?

  I DONT REMEMBER

  GOD

  what is this

  name remembering day

  the one who was always holding the wine

  or like the orb or whatever

  she was always carrying something

  okay

  okay

  would it help if we got her back?

  no

  it would not help

  and youre being condescending again

  and im going home

  what will you do if you go home?

  i dunno

  stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it

  so maybe ill do that

  farming?

  yeah

  go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls

  i like

  and i hope you all die in this stupid war

  you don’t mean that

  you don’t mean your face

  what?

  leave me alone

  Dido

  hey babe

  when are you going to be home

  tonight do you think

  This number has been disconnected

  or is otherwise out of service.

  Plato

  okay Glaucon so

  i want you to picture a cave full of prisoners

  who have been in the cave their whole lives

  and they’re all shackled in a line facing the back wall

  my god

  what a nightmare

  those poor people

  ok no

  I mean yes, it’s terrible, but no that’s not the point

  anyhow

  they’re shackled so they can only look at the back wall

  they can’t move their heads

  what monster would do this

  and there’s a fire behind them

  A FIRE IN THE CAVE

  MY GOD

  THESE POOR SOULS WILL BURN TO DEATH

  WE MUST RESCUE THEM

  no it’s just

  it’s just a thought experiment

  I want to talk about epistemology

  WHAT FOUL SPIRIT WOULD CHAIN HUMAN BEINGS UNDER

  THE EARTH LIKE HADES

  no one

  no one

  they’re just there

  WE MUST MAKE HASTE

  THESE SHACKLED CITIZENS CANNOT FREE THEMSELVES

  it’s an allegory

  the cave is just an allegory

  IMPOSSIBLE

  IT IS THE WORK OF A KNAVE AND A BRIGAND

  AND I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL HE IS DEAD

  Circe

  hi Odysseus

  what are you doing for dinner tonight

  Circe.

  what

  oh my god whatttt

  Circe

  stop it with my name

  i don’t know what you’re mad about

  are you mad

  Circe I’m not coming over for dinner

  whyyyyy

  you know why

  no i don’t

  I’m a witch

  not a

  not the captain of knowing why of things

  what are all those pigs doing outside your house

  I don’t know

  whatever pigs do

  truffle-hunting

  Circe

  i think the technical term is mycophagy

  but I’m not 100% on that

  where did the pigs come from Circe

  i don’t know

  a pig farm

  a pig mommy and a pig daddy who loved each other very much

  and gave each other a special handshake

  CIRCE

  oh my god okay fine

  they’re your crew, you got me

  i turned all of your friends into pigs

  why did you turn my friends into pigs

  i don’t know

  maybe the real question is

  why are your friends

  so turn-into-pigsable

  turn them back into humans

  will you come over for dinner if i turn them back into humans

  turn them back into humans first and we’ll talk

  uuugh

  Finnnneeeee

  and turn them back into REGULAR humans

  what do you mean

  just like how they were before

  not

  i don’t know

  half-pig men

  or a thousand years old

  or with no arms

  just the same, normal people

  haha oh my god

  what do you even think i am

  i would never do that

  Circe

  you own an entire island of badgermen

  you don’t know that island wasn’t already like that when I got here

  was it like

  was it full of half-men half-badgers?

  i don’t have to answer that question

  it was full of a lot of things when i got here

  anyhow shut up

  i fixed your stupid friends

  who by the way are stupid and boring

  CIRCE

  im kidddddding godddd

  Medea

  Part II

  hiiiiii

  hi hi hi

  its me again (Medea, just in case im not

  already in your phone yet)

  how was the dress???

  oh do you know

  I actually haven’t had the chance to try it on yet

  I’ve been so busy

  okay

  okay that’s not a problem

  I sent you guys something else

  I don’t think we have anything

  look outside

  it’s another box

  THE BOX IS FROM ME

  (are you surprised)

  a little bit

  how did you know where we live

  i mean

  how does anyone know anything right

  you should open the box right now

  it’s a cake

  for your wedding!

  so just

  go ahead and eat some right now

  to make sure that it’s normal and good

  for the wedding

  and tell me if you like it!!!

  Medea

  are you eating it

  how does it taste

  Medea I’m not eating this cake

  oh sorry can you not eat processed flour

  i should have asked

  do you have allergies

  Medea

  I’m not going to try on the dress or eat this cake

  why not???

  you know why

  they’re both full of poison

  whaaaat

  the cake is black and the icing ate right through the box

  how would poison even get in there

  the dress caught on fire

  that’s how much poison was on it

  well i’m going to

  i’m going to have a very stern talk with that seamstress

  ill get you another present to make up for it

  please don’t

  King Midas

  The Wife of Bath

  hey are you still up

  can i come over

  sure

  its Allyson btw

  cool

  William Blake

  hi

  hi

  I got you a present

  you did?

  I drew you something

  oh wow

  is it horrifying?

  no

  do you promise?

  William?

  do you promise me that it’s not horrifying?

  i drew you something

  W
illiam

  you know what I mean

  what do you mean by horrifying

  is anyone being

  flayed alive in it

  or committing suicide

  or does something have eyes that shouldn’t have eyes

  you know what I mean

  horrifying

  never mind

  sorry i bothered you

  William

  it isn’t that

  you know I like your drawings

  i know

  I just already have so many watercolors of flayings already

  I wouldn’t know where to put another one