Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  you could put it in the kitchen

  you don’t have hardly any of my flayings in there

  so it is a picture of someone being flayed

  well

  sort of

  i mean they’re already flayed but they’re not getting flayed

  it’s not like a double flaying

  ooh wait

  hang on

  Bring me my Bow of burning gold

  William what are you talking about

  Bring me my Arrows of desire

  You’re not allowed to have arrows

  has someone let you have arrows?

  Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!

  William

  you don’t have any of those things

  and there aren’t any clouds out

  it’s a very nice day

  why don’t you come outside in the garden for a little while

  it’s a very nice day out here

  Bring me my Chariot of fire!

  I can’t do that, I’m afraid

  but I can bring you a cup of tea

  would you like me to bring you a cup of tea?

  William?

  would you like that?

  it’s no chariot of fire but I’ll put lots of milk in it

  bring me a cup of tea

  I’ll get you a cup of tea

  a cup of tea of fire

  what’s that?

  hmm?

  what?

  nothing

  just a normal cup of tea with no fire in it yet

  at all

  not yet

  ha ha ha ha ha

  When the Sun rises do you not see a round Disk of fire

  somewhat like a Guinea

  I guess it could look like that

  O no no I see an Innumerable company of the Heavenly host

  oh

  crying Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty

  I guess it could be that too

  either the money or the screaming angels

  WOULD YOU QUESTION A WINDOW

  what?

  WOULD YOU QUESTION A WINDOW

  I suppose not

  I suppose I wouldn’t

  THEN NEITHER WILL I QUESTION MY CORPOREAL NOR

  VEGETATIVE EYE

  Every thing in Dantes Comedia shews That for Tyrannical

  Purposes he has made This World the Foundation of All & the

  Goddess Nature & not the Holy Ghost

  are you drawing pictures of Hell again

  Keep just as you are – I will draw your portrait – for you have ever been an angel to me

  okay

  okay I’ll keep real still

  take all the time you want

  what do you think would happen

  if Heaven and Hell got MARRIED

  I don’t know

  a Line or Lineament is not formed by Chance a Line is a Line

  in its Minutest Subdivision[s] Strait or Crooked It is Itself & Not

  Intermeasurable with or by any Thing Else Such is Job

  are we

  are we still talking about Hell

  or are we talking about math now

  King Lear

  okay who wants a kingdom

  me

  me I do

  how much do you love me

  oh my god

  how much DON’T I love you is a better question

  i love you like i love eyes

  or outer space

  or standing up

  or even this question

  ahhhh that’s so much haha

  ahh that’s so much

  i knooooow

  you can definitely have a kingdom

  oh my god thank you

  i hope you didn’t think i was saying that

  just to get a kingdom

  oh no not at all

  yayyyyyy

  maybe after you take over i can come stay with you

  oh

  actually

  that would not work for me

  we’re redoing a lot of the rooms right now

  i’m so sorry!!!

  hi babe :)

  u coming over tonight

  who is this

  babe its regan

  you know who i am

  stop texting this number

  wait who is this

  leave me alone

  edmund would never say that who is this

  is this fucking goneril

  no

  it is

  it totally is

  you are so transparent

  i can’t believe you stole his phone

  i didn’t steal it

  he’s in the shower

  if you must know

  that’s so pathetic

  if it’s so pathetic

  then why is he here showering with me

  instead of there

  showering with you

  obviously he isn’t showering with you

  obviously he’s just showering

  and you’re alone

  going through his phone

  trying to make sure he doesn’t get my messages

  just leave him alone

  i never let edmund shower alone when he’s at my place

  shut up

  this is why he’s never going to kill your husband for you

  i don’t see anybody killing your husband

  well it’s hard to see

  when you’re blinded

  by jealousy

  oh guess what edmund came out of the shower

  he says he loves me and we’re getting married and he’s going to murder my husband

  so

  can’t talk gotta go bye!!!

  you’re lying

  nope he’s killing my husband right now

  oh my god there’s so much blood

  we’re going to have to take another shower

  after all this husband

  murdering

  byyyyye

  don’t you dare

  goneril

  goneril

  you made that up right

  i’m calling right now

  let’s just run away, Cordelia

  all right

  you and me

  we’ll run off to jail together

  Lear and Cordelia, together again

  oh

  just the two of us

  like birds in a cage

  I’ll be one bird and you’ll be the other bird

  huh

  we can laugh at butterflies

  and listen to court gossip from the guards

  and just live there forever

  and pray and sing and laugh

  we’ll be SPIES for GOD

  just like two crazy birds trapped in a tower together

  yeah

  that would be

  jail with my dad

  so much better than moving to France

  with my powerful new husband

  yeah

  wow

  forever and ever

  it’ll be so great

  let’s do it

  oh

  okay

  yes

  sure

  let me just

  tell my husband that

  I’m running off to jail with my dad forever

  okay i’ll wait

  it might take a little while

  things are pretty crazy around here right now

  be right here

  whenever you get back

  John Donne

  i just think it’s a little weird

  you don’t mind when a flea bites both of us

  but you won’t have sex with me

  i wouldn’t even bite you

  what

  unless you wanted me to

  obviously if you wanted me to i would bite you

  but the biting’s really not the point here

  i didn’t let the flea bite me

  i didn’t even know it was there

  see

  that�
��s just how easy having sex with me is

  wait

  that’s not

  that’s not exactly what i mean

  i really don’t see what the flea has to do with us

  it means we’re basically married

  it has my blood and your blood in it

  so

  you’ve technically already had sex with me

  and you might as well do it again

  i don’t

  wait

  but there could be a lot of other blood in there too

  well we might have to have sex with all those people too

  what

  don’t get mad at me

  get mad at the flea for making me have sex with so many people

  look i’ll just kill the flea

  okay?

  the flea is gone

  oh my god you’ll kill our blood baby

  but you won’t even have sex with me

  Hamlet

  hey kiddo

  are you coming down for dinner

  fuck you

  okay

  sorry honey

  your not sorry at all

  do you want me to bring you a sandwich?

  i wish i was dead

  okay honey

  but do you want a sandwich first

  what kind of sandwich

  we’re having tuna fish

  okay

  okay you still want to die?

  or okay you want me to bring you a tuna fish sandwich?

  uuuuughhh

  you dont get it

  i’ll bring you the sandwich just in case

  i dont want one if theres the little crunchy things in it

  capers?

  no

  the little crunchy things

  celery?

  NO

  THE LITTLE CRUNCHY THINGS

  relish?

  yeah

  i don’t think there’s any relish in them but i’ll check

  bring two

  if i dont die i want one for later

  okay

  dont come in though

  I won’t

  im working on something and i dont want you to look at it

  so just leave them by the door

  Don Quixote

  Dulcinea

  DULCINEA

  BESTIR YOURSELF

  dragons -

  dragons everywhere -

  where are there dragons?

  where are you?

  I am beset by dragons, my love!

  there has been perfidy

  in this strange land of iron islands

  and wraiths that drape themselves in steam

  are you in the kitchen?

  no kitchen could produce a bellow so terrifying

  nor a stench so foul

  as that of these steel dragons

  i think you are in the kitchen

  they perch upon nests of flame!!

  yes

  you are absolutely in the kitchen

  that is the tea kettle

  I WILL SLAY THEM ALL

  please do not stab my tea kettle

  ah, dear one

  your concern for my safety does you credit

  but a man must be brave

  where is my steed

  where is Rocinante

  I REQUIRE SWIFTNESS

  Hamlet

  Part II

  Did you just take a tray up to him

  up to who?

  Don’t do that

  don’t do what

  Pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about

  well he needs to eat

  I don’t know what to tell you

  he’s a growing boy and he needs to eat

  How old is he?

  I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean

  I mean

  how old does he have to get before he stops growing

  People are always growing

  He’s 37

  He’s still in school!

  He can eat dinner with us like a normal human being or he can

  wait until breakfast like everyone else

  I can’t believe you

  Maybe if you didn’t let him sleep in until noon

  he’d be hungry at dinner

  Maybe if you talked to him he wouldn’t want to stay

  in his room all the time

  René Descartes

  are you up

  i can’t sleep

  what if there’s an evil demon as clever and deceitful as he is powerful

  who has directed his entire effort to misleading me

  i don’t know

  i guess that would be awful

  go back to sleep

  what if that’s just what the evil demon wants me to do

  i don’t know

  oh my god

  what if i’m asleep already

  what if i’m dreaming right now

  and all of my perceptions are false

  i don’t know

  then I guess it doesn’t matter

  so you might as well just go back to sleep

  how can you think of sleep at a time like this

  well i usually am asleep at three in the morning

  it’s a habit of mine

  maybe you just think it’s a habit of yours

  maybe the evil demon is deceiving you too

  maybe

  what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us

  immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time

  that’s a good point

  i’m going to go back to sleep and i’ll think about that while i’m

  dreaming

  that sounds like something an evil demon would say

  guess I’ll just have to take that chance

  are you really going back to sleep

  are you sleeping

  don’t go to sleep

  i want to talk about math

  William Wordsworth

  hi

  hey

  how are you

  pretty good thanks!

  good

  good

  thats good

  im glad someones doing good today

  thats good

  for you

  how are you doing, William?

  oh dont worry about me

  I’m not worried

  no need to worry about how im doing

  I’m just asking

  how you’re doing

  ahhhhhhhhh

  i just feel like

  a cloud

  you know?

  like a cloud looking at flowers

  oh

  I’m sorry?

  just a lonely old cloud

  made of vapor and sadness

  and whatever else clouds are made of

  looking at flowers

  wandering

  alone

  William

  do you want me to come over?

  no

  i dont care

  i dont want to bother you

  it’s no trouble

  how can you even visit a cloud

  too busy wandering

  lonely

  over hills and things

  do you want me to come over?

  that would be nice

  yes

  please

  Hamlet

  Part III

  they had the little crunchy things in them

  oh honey I’m sorry

  I thought I picked all of them out

  well

  you didnt

  do you want something else?

  no

  are you sure?

  i ate them anyway

  they were okay i guess

  i guess i dont mind the little crunchy things that much

  :)

  that girl keeps calling for you by the way

  tell her im not here

  are you sure?

  yes im busy

  im working on my project

  let me
just come in for five minutes so I can vacuum for you

  I promise I won’t get in the way of your project