Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  i was wrong about you, man

  you really are your pants

  ugh

  do you know what’s the worst

  what?

  moms

  fucking moms

  and like

  IKEA

  and our jobs

  because they trap us in nests

  god i hate how easy it is

  to just get jobs

  and make money all the time

  and have a mom

  it’s not real, you know?

  right

  like “oh i’m your mom”

  “i’m gonna love you and raise you and shit”

  well guess what mom

  i’m gonna set skyscrapers on fire

  because god’s not my dad

  what?

  i’m gonna shit on the mona lisa

  and beat up beautiful guys

  because of consumerism

  huh

  shit right on the mona lisa

  heyyyy

  u comin to fight club tonight

  gonna be super fighty

  hey

  hey are u around

  i need a ride

  to fight club

  (so i can fight)

  DUDE ANSWER ME

  ARE YOU COMING

  OR ARE YOU NOT COMING

  TO FIGHT CLUB

  TO THE FIGHT CLUB THAT YOU FUCKING HELPED ME INVENT

  I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PISS ON YOUR NEW PANTS

  IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME

  IN THE NEXT FIVE FUCKING DAMN ASS SECONDS

  jesus

  yes

  i’m coming to fight club

  OH MY GOD

  what?

  WHAT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE

  jesus

  Tyler

  LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE WE MADE FOR FIGHT CLUB

  please don’t piss on my pants

  THE ONE RULE

  you’re talking about it

  you’re calling it fight club right now

  how is that not the same thing

  “HOW IS THAT NOT THE SAME THING”

  enjoy your piss pants

  The Lorax

  THAT’S COMPOSTABLE YOU KNOW

  I’m sorry?

  POST-IT NOTES ARE ACTUALLY COMPOSTABLE

  SO YOU SHOULDN’T THROW THEM OUT

  Who is this?

  I AM THE LORAX

  the what

  I SPEAK FOR THE TREES

  okay well

  thanks for the advice

  DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALSO COMPOST YOUR OWN HAIR

  I didn’t know that

  YOU CAN

  SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE

  THOSE POST-ITS OUT OF

  THE TRASH THEN

  DID YOU GET THAT EMAIL I FORWARDED YOU

  ABOUT THE DANGERS OF E-CIGARETTES

  What email?

  CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER

  SOMETIMES MY EMAILS GET STUCK IN SPAM FOLDERS

  I thought you spoke for the trees

  I SPEAK FOR A LOT OF THINGS

  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

  HOW MANY TAMPONS THE AVERAGE WOMAN USES IN A YEAR

  I’m in class right now

  I can’t talk about tampons

  TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK

  THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS

  THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM

  okay

  ENOUGH TAMPONS TO MAKE A TRUFFULA TREE

  THAT’S HOW MANY

  HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE DIVA CUP

  That’s really personal, Lorax

  NOTHING IS PERSONAL WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES

  and tampons?

  AND ALSO TAMPONS AND SOMETIMES E-CIGARETTES YES

  I’ll think about it

  THERE’S ONE IN YOUR PURSE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND

  JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ONE TODAY

  You put one in my purse?

  You went through my purse?

  OH YOU MEAN YOUR LEATHER PURSE

  YOUR PURSE MADE OUT OF DEAD SKIN

  this is too weird

  I’m throwing it out

  DON’T

  don’t what?

  DON’T REACH IN YOUR PURSE

  Lorax if I reach in my purse what will I find in there

  DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN SOAP OUT

  OF DISCARDED COCA COLA SYRUP

  WHICH MOST RESTAURANTS WILL GIVE TO YOU FOR FREE IF YOU ASK NICELY

  Lorax are you in my purse right now

  YES

  Why

  I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS PUTTING THE DIVA CUP IN THERE

  YOUR PURSE IS REALLY SOFT

  oh wow

  are you okay?

  NOT REALLY

  LEATHER IS REALLY SOFT

  I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW SOFT IT IS

  I’m sorry I made you touch leather

  SOMETIMES I GET SLEEPY SPEAKING FOR THINGS

  IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY

  Do you want me to let you stay in the purse for the rest of the day

  YES PLEASE

  I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH

  Okay

  CAN WE PLANT A TREE LATER THOUGH

  I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TIME

  JUST ONE TREE ON THE WAY HOME

  Maybe

  OKAY

  BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WILL

  COME BACK

  IF WE DO THAT

  Maybe they willl

  JUST HOPE SOME OF MY FRIENDS COME BACK

  I know

  YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH

  I know

  SO I GUESS IT’S WORKING ALREADY

  I guess so

  MUST BE ALL THOSE POST ITS WE COMPOSTED THIS

  MORNING

  Go back to sleep

  OKAY THANK YOU

  Rebecca

  oh Mrs. de Winter

  I realized after I took you on a tour of the master wing

  I forgot to tell you about her clothes

  whose clothes?

  Whose clothes do you think

  Rebecca’s?

  of course

  they were incredible

  even her taste in nightgowns was impeccable

  not like some nightgowns i could name

  not like some nightgowns I have to regularly launder

  and fold and put away

  I see

  your nightgowns, specifically

  I hate your nightgowns

  so if when you come home tonight

  you see a lot of R’s scribbled in lipstick

  and also blood all over your nightgowns

  that was me

  Ah

  in case you wondered

  who that was

  Well, now I won’t wonder

  the R is for Rebecca

  I see

  also I can’t stand the kind of tea you buy

  so I ripped open all the bags

  and strewed the leaves throughout the great hallway

  oh dear

  because honestly

  BAGGED tea?

  this is a stately home

  like OF ENGLAND

  this house has an actual name

  you don’t even have a name

  literally no one has ever mentioned your name

  it’s just “where is my wife” and “this is Mrs. De Winter”

  “the second” Mrs. De Winter

  “the lesser” Mrs. De Winter

  “the Mrs. De Winter who gets her tea in bags”

  god i hate you

  so much

  you’re using the wrong fork you know

  Please

  Please, I’m trying to have dinner with my husband

  and I’d like to be left alone

  you’ll never be alone

  not here

  not in Manderley

  her spirit’s in the very floors and walls

  in the mirrors

  in the rooms behind the doors you’ll never open

  in the f
ork you’re not using properly

  Where are you?

  I can’t see you anywhere

  that doesn’t surprise me

  not at all

  Rebecca would have spotted me in a second

  I’m sure I’m very sorry

  but I can’t see you and I’m not Rebecca

  like I didn’t already know that

  I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t jump out your

  window last night

  even after I left it open for you

  No, I didn’t

  you know who would have jumped out the window

  if I’d asked her to?

  PLEASE STOP

  I’ll give you a hint

  you have the same last name

  and married the same man

  also one of you is dead and one of you is not

  It’s Rebecca

  Rebecca, I know it’s her

  I know it’s Rebecca, I KNOW IT’S HER

  oh my God

  that is your SALAD fork

  this is the fish course

  what is wrong with you

  Cormac McCarthy

  just got here

  saving you a table

  hey

  you on your way?

  hey

  are you coming?

  You forget what you want to remember

  and you remember what you want to forget

  look

  it’s fine if you can’t make it

  it’s just people are starting to head home

  but if you’re on your way

  Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave

  oh

  um

  okay

  I just thought you said you were going to try to make it

  that’s all

  it’s fine

  I’ll have another birthday next year so it’s no big deal

  yesterday is all that does count

  What else is there?

  Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of

  Nothin else

  okay well

  Thanks

  Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge

  exists without my consent

  oh

  you tell em that

  tell who?

  tell em

  tell everything that exists that i don’t know about yet

  it’s not allowed

  i don’t know if that’s

  i don’t know if i can do that

  There is no forgiveness for women.

  A man may lose his honor and regain it again.

  But a woman cannot. She cannot.

  well

  you know

  real shame, that

  what’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss

  i dunno

  five bucks maybe

  why

  no reason

  is the fire real

  is what fire real

  is the fire real?

  are you carrying it?

  what fire are you talking about

  the fire inside you

  where is the fire

  oh it’s just a little fire

  kept it small

  kept it hidden

  you know what

  what

  the freedom of birds is an insult to me

  where are you going

  you know where

  please don’t do anything to birds

  I’m coming over

  Carry the fire

  WHAT FIRE

  you’ll see

  The Hunger Games

  I told you what I was gonna name my bakery

  if we ever get out of here

  right?

  Peeta I’m actually really tired

  I’m gonna name it The Hunger Grains

  I’m going to go to sleep now, Peeta

  It’s a play on “The Hunger Games”

  because it’s something everyone already knows

  but with a little twist

  you should go to sleep too.

  Only no one will be hungry at The Hunger Grains

  well

  maybe at first

  when they get there

  but not once they’ve had my Ruebarb pie

  oh my God

  hey Katniss

  Peeta I cannot talk right now

  oh

  im sorry

  remember how we talked about this?

  i dunno

  remember how we talked about how I can’t talk when I’m hunting?

  because of what else I need my hands for?

  because you need your hands for holding arrows

  Because I need my hands for holding arrows.

  yeah i remember

  so that’s why I said

  don’t try to get in touch with me

  unless you’re having an emergency

  yeah

  are you having an emergency?

  definitely

  is it a real emergency?

  or is it a f…

  it’s a frosting emergency

  Peeta

  a frosting emergency isn’t the same thing as a real emergency

  it is to me

  it is to this cake and also it is to me

  I’m turning my phone off

  frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of

  emergencies

  William Carlos Williams

  i have eaten everything

  that was in the icebox

  you should probably go to the store again.

  -wcw

  i have eaten the little red wheelbarrow

  that was in the icebox

  and upon which so much depended

  forgive me

  i don’t even know why i did that

  i guess i thought it was one of those little ice cream cakes

  you know the kind that they shape to look like cars or whatever

  that shit was disgusting

  hey do we have any ice cream cakes though

  -wcw

  i have eaten the emperor of ice cream

  who thought he could hide from me in the icebox

  Let be be his finale of seem

  sorry

  -wcw

  hi babe

  are you at the store?

  hi babe there’s something weird going on with the dishwasher

  it won’t close all the way

  i think one of the big wooden spoons fell through the slats or something

  it keeps making this weird ca-chunk ca-chunk sound

  i’ll call you and leave a message

  so you can hear what it sounds like

  -wcw

  3 missed calls

  1 new voicemail

  hey if you’re at the store

  would you pick me up some more of that red thing i like

  in the tall box

  honey i’m not at the store right now

  i’m already on my way home

  can you pick it up yourself this afternoon?

  You sullen pig of a woman

  you force me into the mud

  with your stinking ash-cart

  honey i’m sorry but i was just at the store this morning

  and i’m exhausted and i’m almost home

  Well–

  all things turn bitter in the end

  whether you choose the right or

  the left way

  fine

  fine i’ll go to the store

  mm also we are out of plums again

  so can you pick up some more while you’re there

  thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu babe

  -wcw

  Harry Potter

  I’m serious, Ron

  lolll no

  there’s no way a “higgs boson” is a real thing

  It is real!

  It’s very important

  It’s an elementary particle

  what does it do then

  Well
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  it’s a particle

  and it sort of involves multiple identical particles

  to exist in the same state and place