Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  like magic

  No, not like magic

  not like magic at all

  like science

  haha what is science though

  Ron.

  im serious

  i don’t know what it is

  also what is math

  i keep hearing about it

  but no one can explain what it is to me

  Math is a field of study

  It’s short for mathematics

  It’s concerned with quantity and structure and space

  hermione I dont even know how to tip at a restaurant

  i dont even know how to do percentals

  Percentages

  i dont know that either

  Oh, Ron.

  also whats a credit card

  because i keep getting offers for them in the mail

  are they magic too?

  No

  No, honey, credit cards aren’t magic

  because ive signed up for six or nine of them

  does six come before or after nine

  Ron you haven’t used them yet have you

  all you have to do is give the card to a shopkeep

  and they swipe it over a little machine

  and then they give you things

  it’s wicked

  Ron

  promise me you won’t use your credit cards again

  well I won’t

  but I gave some of them to this Nigerian man

  or gave the numbers of them to him

  the other day

  so he might use them, I dunno

  you did what

  he’s a prince, Hermione!

  a real prince

  well

  he was a prince

  he’s in a little trouble right now

  but I fixed it with a few of my credit cards

  so he’s all right now

  Oh, my God

  i thought youd be proud of me

  The Little Prince

  i brought you another flower

  Oh thanks

  thank you

  It’s fragile but also valuable

  That’s very true

  like our friendship

  Yes, it is, isn’t it

  But it isn’t going to last very long away from its roots

  Do you see what I mean

  I do

  the flower is a metaphor

  Yes

  it is a metaphor

  for me

  will you draw me another flower please

  another one?

  yes please

  a big one this time

  a flower with the heart of a princess

  the heart of a princess

  yes but you mustn’t draw the princess

  i must only be able to sense her in the drawing of the flower

  what happened to the last flower i drew for you

  a fox took it

  a fox?

  yes

  a fox in a wooden top hat and a greatcoat made of whist came by

  and asked if he could have it

  he said it cured his arthritis

  if i draw you another flower

  do you think you will be able to hang onto it?

  i cannot predict what a fox will need

  no right of course

  well if i draw you another flower

  will you at least tell me where you’ve been sleeping and showering

  and getting food?

  because my plane is still nowhere near fixed and i’m almost out of water

  now you are speaking like a grownup again

  now when i look at my flower all i will think of is your greed

  your lust for money

  your inability to see true beauty

  i’m just so thirsty all the time

  you know my plane was shot down because I was in the war

  right?

  I was in a war

  i must go now

  please

  just tell me where you’re getting water

  my planet needs me

  About the Author

  MALLORY ORTBERG is the cocreator of The Toast, a general-interest Web site geared toward women. She has written for Gawker, New York magazine, The Hairpin, and The Atlantic. She lives in the Bay Area.

  Henry Holt and Company, LLC

  Publishers since 1866

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  Henry Holt® and ® are registered trademarks of Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

  Copyright © 2014 by Mallory Ortberg

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  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Book Distribution Limited

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Ortberg, Mallory.

  Texts from Jane Eyre: and other conversations with your favorite literary characters / Mallory Ortberg. — First edition.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-62779-183-0 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-62779-184-7 (electronic copy)

  1. Text messages (Cell phone systems)—Humor. 2. Characters in literature—Humor. 3. Literature—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.T565O78 2014

  818′.60208—dc23 2014012891

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  First Edition 2014

  Illustrations here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here copyright © 2014

  by Madeline Gobbo

  Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi

  Printed in the United States of America

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