Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

  I get it

  do you though

  I think I grasp the prinsiple of the thing

  oh my God

  Addy Walker

  how DO you spell principle, Harriet?

  is it with an S?

  or a C?

  you are going to be so sorry that you ever

  Maybe we should ask a spelling expert

  Maybe we should ask someone who won

  that you EVER

  a spelling

  medal

  for spelling the word principle correctly

  I only have the one dress

  which I pinned the spelling medal on

  so you can see the medal every day

  The Baby-Sitters Club

  Hey Claudia

  I know math is really tough for you

  but even you should know

  that two dollars an hour

  for six hours

  means we’re at least twelve dollars short

  of what should be in the treasury

  i know how much twelve is, Kristy

  and i didn’t take your stupid money

  look

  all I’m saying

  is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room

  probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars

  like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet

  appliqués

  yeah well

  at least my dad still lives at home

  unlike some people’s dads

  unlike your dad

  Kristy

  Kristy? It’s Mallory

  I hope you don’t mind my texting you

  I had to get your number from Mary Anne

  but she’s not around or something

  I guess

  I was just wondering if we had a meeting today?

  I’ll check with Stacey

  Kristy, Mrs. Dawes said that you never showed up on Friday

  to babysit the girls

  She had to cancel her plans

  she’s really upset

  What’s going on with you lately?

  oh sorry

  i probably just couldn’t hear the phone ring when she called

  this mansion is sooooo big

  Watson’s mansion i mean

  I know which mansion you mean

  my new dad Watson

  who does live with us

  Claaaaaudia

  Claudia’s not here

  i know

  i know that

  Hey Stacey!

  It’s Mallory

  do you know if we’re meeting today?

  I heard Dawn mention something about it

  but for some reason I can’t get a hold of anybody

  let me know if this is the right number for you

  might be an old number

  I made brownie bars so I hope it’s today haha

  i mean any time we meet is fine

  it’s all fine with me

  oh my god and the brownies have sugar in them

  I swear to God I wasn’t thinking

  I’m really sorry, Stacey

  shit

  shit

  claudia have you seen karen

  not lately

  i can’t find her

  like she’s not in the house

  last i saw her

  she was borrowing your glue gun to put rhinestones on her

  homework like i told her an hour ago

  well what have you been doing for the last hour then

  i was enamelling

  what have YOU been doing for the last hour Stacey

  you know i don’t like you guys to watch me take my insulin shots

  oh

  i didn’t know that’s what we were calling robbie brewster now

  CLAUDIA

  i cannot believe you

  oh my god

  by the way did you give mallory my real phone number?

  because that is not okay

  i got like

  thirty texts from her this morning

  Nancy Drew

  Nancy? Are you coming?

  I’ve been waiting by the old oak in the park for almost an hour

  I tried calling your father and he said you went out to the lake

  with Bess and George

  but Bess came back ages ago

  I guess maybe you didn’t take your phone with you

  anyhow the picnic is here

  and I am here too

  whenever you get here

  no rush!

  I miss you

  oh Ned

  I’m so sorry

  but I am so close to figuring out who the jewel thieves are

  I think it has something to do with the ghostly figure that

  frightened Ms. Martin after the gala

  and the twins are pretty sure they saw something out

  on the island

  what did they see?

  oh

  could be anything

  jewels

  or anything

  anyhow so it’s really important that I go sailing with them

  well

  if you really think it will help you solve the mystery

  oh absolutely

  couldn’t solve it without sailing

  just let me know when you get back

  maybe I can see you afterwards?

  i don’t know if i’ll have reception on the lake

  it’s really hard for cell phone signals to cross running water so

  yeah I know

  hey I love you

  byyye

  don’t you have anything to say back to me?

  Ned you know I can’t talk openly when I’m on a case

  we don’t know who’s listening in

  right, right

  of course

  sorry

  heyyyyy where are you right now

  At home

  Why?

  do you think you could come get me?

  are you tied up again?

  i’m just over at the cave

  by the old mill

  so you’re tied up

  in a cave

  you know

  near the burned-down orphanage

  please just answer the question

  you should probably bring some scissors with you

  for the rope?

  there appears to be some rope here, yes

  are you tied up with it?

  Ned look

  it’s really hard for me to text with my hands all tied up like this

  so please just stop asking so many questions and

  get over here ok

  Nancy!

  Nancy I can see that’s you

  it’s me

  Ned

  I’m on the other side of the baccarat table

  You don’t have to let on that you know me if you’re working

  I’m sorry

  who is this?

  Nancy, I can see that it’s you

  You’re just wearing bangs

  Please leave me alone

  I am a troubled heiress who wants only to play baccarat

  and forget her troubles

  are you in disguise?

  My only disguise are my troubles

  is my troubles

  Please excuse the English

  who’s that man you’re with?

  I’m sorry I wanted to follow the kidnappers into the cave, Ned

  That’s all right

  I really am sorry though

  I know

  I’m sorry we got tied up again

  It’s okay

  I’m can’t believe what they did to your face

  I had no idea they were so desperate

  I know

  I really don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one

  Me neither

  this is worse than when we found out it was George who murdered Bess

  God

  remember that?

  ye
ah I remember

  that was horrible

  it really was

  Atlas Shrugged

  happy birthday

  Oh, Dag

  you remembered

  I got you something

  you did?

  that’s so sweet

  I got you the greatest gift one human being can offer

  another person

  you didn’t have to do that

  what is it?

  I have achieved something

  Oh, gosh

  well I made an achievement all by myself and no one can

  touch it or sully it with their dirty jealous fingers

  and no one can take it away from me

  never never never

  so

  happy birthday

  thank you, Dagny

  Yes.

  You’re welcome.

  COMMUNISM

  what about Communism?

  WATCH OUT FOR IT

  all right

  IT’S EVERYWHERE

  all right

  SO WATCH OUT

  I will.

  do you love me, Hank

  really love me, I mean?

  I love you, you know

  I love the way you run the motor of the world

  I love you like a train

  Like a what?

  it’s the highest and purest form of love there is, Hank

  the love of a woman for a train

  gosh but I love trains

  that little whistle

  the knowledge that you could roll merrily over any one of your enemies and crush their thick skulls with your harnessed steel-beasts

  those hot little rolls they have in the dining car

  do we have any of those rolls left?

  I’ll find out

  trains trains trains

  I do love em

  do you know who I just hate

  who?

  everybody

  everybody but us

  do you want to come over

  right now?

  yeah

  all right

  you know what we should do?

  what?

  you should just

  stay over

  and we can go on strike

  on strike from what?

  on strike from everybody

  because fuck em

  I don’t know if you noticed this

  but my shoulder was naked in my evening gown tonight

  I did see that

  it was my gown’s only ornament, that naked shoulder

  Very nice

  well, also the diamond band

  that was the other ornament I had on

  so the shoulder was naked

  but my wrist had diamonds on it

  Right

  did those diamonds make you think of chains

  Chains are so terribly feminine, you know

  almost as feminine as a naked shoulder

  mm

  Guess what

  my shoulder is naked right now

  Oh

  well

  underneath my blazer it is naked

  both of my shoulders are naked

  underneath my blazer

  I see

  does that make you want to chain them up

  I’m awfully sorry

  but I have to go to a meeting now

  you can chain me up after your meeting then

  I’ll think about that

  Francisco

  Francisco are you awake?

  Francisco?

  what is it

  Francisco, I can’t sleep

  I’m sorry

  I had a bad dream

  the one about the Communists?

  I don’t want to talk about it

  tell me about the root of money again, Francisco

  what time is it?

  Come on, Francisco

  tell me

  I’ll help get you started

  “Money is a root of exchange…”

  Dag, please

  I have to work in the morning

  “Paper is a mortgage on wealth that does not exist…”

  you don’t even need me to tell you what money is

  I like the way that you tell it best

  all rightt

  all right, I’ll tell you about the root of money

  do that voice you do for the looters, ok

  do your looters voice

  I’ll do my looters voice

  k

  Fight Club

  hey have you seen my work khakis?

  I think I might have lost them or something

  which is crazy because I had them on yesterday

  have you seen them?

  its only after we’ve lost everything

  that we’re free to do anything

  ok yes definitely

  you have to lose everything

  everything includes pants

  pants are a thing, so

  no yes

  I am super on board with that

  like a noun or whatever, pants are

  I’m just wondering

  specifically

  where my pants are

  because they are my actual last pair of pants

  YOU ARE NOT YOUR PANTS

  I know

  I AM NOT YOUR PANTS

  no I definitely know that

  I just need these pants for work

  YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB

  I’m not trying to be my job I swear

  but we are down to our last forty bucks

  I really

  we can’t afford to lose this money right now

  you are not special

  what?

  you’re not a fucking snowflake

  I know that

  I don’t think it’s being a snowflake to want pants

  everything is decaying

  we’re all just part of the same compost heap

  your pants are decaying

  my pants are in the compost heap?

  well everything is in the compost heap

  so you do the fucking math

  you do the compost math

  fuck the fridge is out again

  do you mind calling Jasper sometime today

  let him know we need to make an appointment

  did you ever think that maybe

  your life is just too complete?

  is the fridge too complete?

  you have to break everything

  to make something better

  i really don’t think your malaise is the fridge’s fault

  it isn’t not the fridge’s fault

  only after disaster can we be resurrected

  and breaking the fridge

  that’s part of your resurrection

  our resurrection

  we’ve all been raised on TV to believe

  that one day we’d all be millionaires

  huh

  what show was that

  and movie gods

  I mostly watched scooby doo

  I think

  and rock stars

  gilligan’s island maybe

  whatever that show was that was like

  it wasn’t the smurfs

  but it kind of was the smurfs

  but underwater?

  they had weird spout noses i remember

  but we won’t

  and we’re slowly learning that fact

  and we’re very, very pissed off

  and this is the fridge’s fault

  is your life really so empty

  that you honestly can’t think of a better way

  to spend these moments

  god

  okay fine

  i’ll call jasper

  you won’t have to do anything

  ive been peeing in your soup

  like every day

  what?

  nothing

  fuck you

  fuck the fridge

  do you own your fridge
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  or does your fridge own you

  it’s not even my fridge

  you had this fridge when I moved in