Texts from Jane Eyre Read online

if we want

  A Tale of Two Cities

  Dr. Manette

  They’ve taken him

  they’ve taken him and I don’t

  know where he’s gone

  Taken whom, my dear

  Charles

  Charles, of course

  He’s in the Bastille

  the things they’re saying about him

  they’re terrible

  what are we going to do, what will we do

  we’ve got to save him

  Don’t you worry little one

  I know just what to do

  I’m going to make shoes

  Rudyard Kipling

  i’m bored

  let’s go shoot something

  okay

  What

  i don’t care

  a tiger

  or a Boer

  what was that last one?

  I mean a bear

  oh

  Okay

  haha must have been a weird typo

  it’s illegal to hunt men

  but exhilarating

  what?

  i said it was illegal

  and also

  execrable

  execrable was the second word i said

  Daisy Miller

  Part III

  Daisy

  there’s a castle just up the hill I want you to see

  it’s absolutely beautiful this time of year

  please say you’ll come

  we’ll walk the ramparts together and find lilac growing in the walls

  oh how lovely

  I’d be so pleased to come

  oh my god

  you were really going to do it

  you were going to go to a castle alone with me

  I don’t understand

  you wouldn’t

  you slut

  Daisy Miller

  Part IV

  listen

  Daisy

  either run away with me this minute

  or put on a goddamned shawl

  you have the naked shoulders of a sultan’s whore

  The Sun Also Rises

  Brett

  Brett did you get that picture I sent you

  I did, yeah

  the picture of my penis I mean

  yes

  Brett

  guess how much of my penis I still have left

  you know

  after my accident

  after my penis accident

  I really don’t want to play this game, Jake

  no come on guess

  I don’t have unlimited texting

  these messages are kind of expensive for me

  I’ll give you a hint:

  it’s definitely SOME

  at the bar

  u coming

  brett

  bretttttttttttt

  brettly

  brettles

  oh my god yes

  give me ten minutes

  okay

  Awesome

  I’m bringing Cohn with me

  uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

  Jake

  uuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh

  you don’t own the bar

  he can come to the bar if he wants to

  no but brett

  brett listen

  fuck that guy

  we’ll be there in ten minutes

  ask him if he wants to come with me to spain tomorrow

  are you serious

  uuuuuuuuuugh yes

  i don’t want to go to spain alone brett

  that’s so lame

  who goes to spain by themsleves

  haha

  sleves

  k fine i’ll ask

  see you soon

  slevvvvves

  hey im gonna send u a real quick pic of my penis

  please don’t

  no its ok it’ll be super quick

  six missed calls

  brett

  brett did u get my messages

  brett im so sorry

  im so sorry we cant ever have sex

  oh my god im so sorry

  im gonna call you again just in case

  its so awful that you cant have sex with me

  im so sorry

  thats why ur so lost brett

  brett u cant keep living like this

  going to bars and traveling

  being friends with jewish guys

  oh my god he’s so jewish

  and having sex with men who like you

  its killing u brett

  its killing u inside i can tell

  hang on i gotta throw up im gonna call you

  oh fuck im throwing up so bad

  and we’re all gonna die someday

  and ur never even gonna have sex with me even

  Agatha Christie

  we’ve got to get off this train at once

  my god

  what’s wrong?

  has there been a murder?

  not yet

  but I believe they’ve let a JEW on board

  tell that Arab boy to fetch our luggage at once

  The Great Gatsby

  Niiiick

  Do you realize I never see you anymore

  I miss hanging out with you

  so much

  I miss you too Daisy

  Let’s hang out RIGHT NOW

  Now?

  Now would be the best time!

  It’s awfully late

  Let’s just be spontaneous okay

  Come pick me up and we’ll do something wild

  Where are you?

  I would say definitely in the valley of ashes

  nearrrrr the road

  but not on it exactly

  What are you doing there?

  haha you are just

  full of questions today

  I’m just wondering why you want to hang out

  all of a sudden

  at midnight

  in the valley of ashes

  it feels like maybe all that you want is a ride

  oh my god

  how can you even say that

  why are you so mean to me

  Daisy Miller

  Part V

  have you seen Daisy today

  I think she’s out with that guy

  what guy

  the Italian one

  you know

  I can’t remember the name

  she has Italian friends?

  yeah

  ewwww

  I know

  never mind

  forget I asked

  uuuuugh

  right

  J. Alfred Prufrock

  do you want to go out tonight

  where

  idk

  like a one-night cheap hotel

  or maybe one of those sawdust restaurants

  Sawdust restaurants?

  Like with the peanut shells on the floor?

  with oyster shells

  Oyster shells on the floor?

  let’s have a tedious argument in the streets

  have you been drinking?

  the sky is so beautiful tonight

  like a patient etherized on a table

  I’m coming over

  I’m worried about you

  there’s yellow smoke on the window-panes

  What kind of smoke?

  Did you leave the stove on?

  it’s curling all around the house

  You need to get out of the house

  oh it’s already sliding along the street

  Get out of the house

  now

  I’m coming over

  there will be time

  there will be time for you and me

  they say it I know they say it

  they all say it

  I honestly think you’re being paranoid

  “But his arms and legs are thin!”

  Nobody says that about you

  Or how thin my hair is getting

&nbs
p; Your hair looks fine

  You’re all saying it

  you think I can’t understand you because you’re talking

  about Michelangelo

  But I know what you’re saying about me

  I like the way your arms and legs look

  I like your hair the way it is

  You’d like me pinned and wriggling on the wall

  I never said that

  that’s a terrible thing to say

  I wish I were claws

  I wish I were just a bunch of claws

  like a crab?

  no

  just claws

  ripping shit up with my claws

  living underwater

  can we go back to that oyster restaurant

  that depends

  are you going to pretend to be a pair of claws and scuttle around

  in the lobster tank?

  are you going to drive me there or what

  S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse

  A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,

  Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse

  you know I don’t speak Italian

  Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo

  No idea what you’re saying

  so

  let me know if you want to talk later in English

  sorry new phone

  who is this

  I told you they hated me

  I told you I could hear their voices dying with a dying fall

  I don’t think they hate you

  I just think they were surprised to see you dressed like that

  They’ve always hated me

  I just don’t think they were expecting you to come in shouting

  “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, come back to tell you all”

  well I’m sorry

  I’m sorry I’m not Prince Hamlet or whatever

  Sorry to be an easy tool

  No one thinks you’re a tool

  It’s just a weird thing to do at a dinner party

  what are you doing

  like right now

  working

  good good

  that’s good

  do you think I should eat a peach

  what

  right now?

  yeah

  do you want to eat a peach?

  idk

  yeah

  then you should eat a peach

  yeah

  could you give me a ride?

  right now?

  yeah

  i’m at work

  i know

  where do you need a ride to?

  the store

  what store

  i need a peach

  can it wait?

  not really

  there’s like

  a bunch of mermaids here

  and they definitely hate me

  I don’t know where that is

  can we go back to that oyster restaurant

  maybe they have peaches

  I can’t leave work to go buy you a peach right now

  that’s okay

  that’s fine

  the mermaids keep singing about drowning me

  but I’ll probably be fine

  okay

  okay

  tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

  awesome

  and then we can go get peaches?

  yes

  we can go get peaches

  okay

  I’ll be there in fifteen minutes

  do you think I would look good with rolled trousers

  like if I rolled up the cuffs

  I think they would make my legs look less skinny

  I don’t know

  Probably

  actually

  I don’t know if I want a peach anymore

  oh my god

  buuutttt

  you should still come get me

  let’s go out somewhere

  Virginia Woolf

  OH MY GOD MOM

  WHAT DID I SAY I NEED TO WRITE FICTION

  I NEEDED MONEY AND I NEED A ROOM OF MY OWN

  NOT A ROOM YOU COME INTO WHEN I’M GONE AND CLEAN UP

  AND REARRANGE EVERYTHING AND GO THROUGH MY STUFF

  THIS IS MY ROOM

  STAY OUT

  I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN READING MY JOURNALS

  UNDER THE GUISE OF “TIDYING UP”

  SO GUESS WHAT

  MY FICTION IS THAT YOU’RE AN UTTER BITCH

  TIDY THAT UP

  William Faulkner

  you know what would be nice

  what

  if you could just ravel out into time

  that would be nice

  it would be nice if you could just

  ravel out into time

  i guess that could be nice

  but first you have to get ready to stay dead a long time

  well

  that’s all that living is really

  i guess technically

  lets start now

  ill go first

  im a seed in the earth

  you go next

  (get ready to be dead)

  (be a wet seed wild in the hot blind earth)

  I

  okay

  youre not very good at this game

  i guess not

  sorry

  its ok

  my mother is a fish

  and im a lot older than a lot of people who have died

  and any live man is better than any dead man

  but no live or dead man is much better than any other live

  or dead man

  so i understand

  oh that’s

  that’s good

  hey i got you something

  oh

  you did?

  Oh

  i give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire

  wow

  not that you will remember time but that you might forget it

  now and then

  sure

  sure

  I can see how that would be a good thing

  i knew youd like it :)

  do you know what i hate

  no

  what do you hate

  clocks

  oh

  how come

  father said clocks slay time

  time is dead as long as its being clicked off

  by those little wheels

  thats how they killed Christ you know

  little wheels?

  yep

  yep yep yep

  i lost a cow once

  did you?

  it was terrible

  i loved that cow

  im sorry to hear that

  it owed me forty years of back taxes too

  if i ever find her i’ll kill her

  Daisy Miller

  Part VI

  look have you seen Daisy

  I need to talk to her

  oh my god

  you haven’t heard

  heard what

  that Daisy diiiied

  what

  yes

  nooo

  yesssss

  oh my god

  what happened

  she went for a walk outside

  with an Italian

  at night

  under the MOON

  oh god of course

  so

  you know

  obviously

  that killed her

  that’d kill anybody

  i know

  it especially killed her

  Peter Pan

  Hey

  hey!

  me and the guys are renting a yacht and heading to

  Croatia for this open-air festival