Texts from Jane Eyre Page 5
Sir, the crew begs that you leave off your mad pursuit
We are sick from it, we are sick to the point of perishing
We must return to port
oh
yes
terribly mad
I’m just mad for
revenge and so on
all types of revenge for my legs, and whatnot
Sir?
leg
just the leg
he only took the one leg right
Captain, I do not know what the whale took from you
oh I’m just
furious about it
the legs, I mean
and the whale
Please
Did you know that the digestive organs of the whale are so
inscrutably constructed that it is quite impossible for him to
completely digest even a man’s arm?
I didn’t
well it’s true
think about that
think about that the next time you’re thinking about whales
Great Expectations
Sarah, darling!
Got your note
oh lovely
couldn’t possibly make it over for the christening
as I’m simply swamped at the moment
(you may recall I was left at the altar
and have spent the intervening years reeling from the betrayal)
yes I remember
Wish terribly I could make it
but you know how it is
being jilted
Well
we’ll set out a piece of cake for you just in case
Please don’t worry about me
I’m surrounded by the ruins of an aching, hopeless love that’s
slowly congealing into poison
so I’m keeping busy
much love to the baby
thank you
if it’s a boy I hope you drown it
Pip
Pip what are you doing right now
I’m at work
what’s up
did you know that my name would have been Mrs. Compeyson
if I’d married my fiancé Mr. Compeyson
really
but I never did marry him
right
because as you recall
I was abandoned on my wedding day
by my fiancé
(Mr. Compeyson)
and have never never
never recovered
but I’m just thrilled to hear that you’re doing so well
just Havisham will do for now
unless he comes back
is there anything in particular you need from me right now?
all men are dogs Pip
okay
write that down
I will
really write it down though
are you writing it down?
yes
I think you’re just saying you’re writing it down
no I wrote it down
Estella what are you doing tonight
do you want to come over and look at wedding photos
I don’t think I can
that’s okay
I never had wedding photos anyway
because I never got to have a wedding
I don’t know if I ever told you that
I never want to see another save the date invite again
oh my godddd
Has she been doing it to you too?
YES
or like
I think so
because I keep getting pictures of wedding dresses from a
blocked number
Gone with the Wind
where r u
Scarlett I’m at work
I can’t text right now
need u at mill
Scarlett I have the baby with me I really can’t come to the mill
what baby
My baby.
Beau. My baby with Melanie.
guess what kind of corset im wearing
I don’t see what this has to do with
im not ;)
Darling, I was going through some old things this morning
and found Charles’ ornamental officer’s sash
I thought you’d like to have it
So I gave it to Mammy for cleaning and she’ll give it to you later
who is charles
Scarlett, how you joke!
was he that guy
I know it pains you to speak of him
that’s why you act so high-spirited about it
and I think it’s simply marvelous of you
But you don’t have to be brave with me, Scarlett dear
that guy with like the chin thing
I miss him too
guess what i turned my mourning gown into
But I know he’s looking after us — always
i made four backless shimmies out of it
mammy
mammy r u up
What is it, Scarlett
do we have any of that chocolate stuff left
with the swirls on it
I don’t know, Scarlett
can you check
Honey, I’ll get it for you just as soon as the doctor lets me
get out of bed
He says the typhoid is awfully bad this spring
what even is typhoid
It’s nothing
I’ve got a little touch of it is all
but I’ll be fine, don’t you worry
haha omg ur gonna get so thin
my waist is like nineteen inches already im a whale
listen to me talking about that chocolate stuff
don’t let me have any!!!
All right
ok no but seriously bring me like one jar
just one though
4 missed calls
ohhh my god she will not stop CALLING
its like
im not a baby catcher ok
sorry ur “in labor” again or whatever
im in labor too
in the fields picking cotton or whatever the hell is growing
out of those bushes
ive had like four babies already, it’s not a big deal AT ALL
I’m sorry, darling – I know I’ve been such a bother during all this
I’ll try for Dr. Meade again.
oh my god
who is this
Why, it’s Mellie, darling!
It’s your Mellie
oh hiii
It does me good when you joke with me like this
Everyone else treats me like I’ll fall to pieces, but not you
haha i will be like right there
ashley
ashley
ashley
ashley r u there
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn
Scarlett, it’s four in the morning
and I have to get up in two hours to run your mill
Please don’t text me this late
oh i sold the mill
haha
did i not tell you that
Oh my God.
did you know that pantalets are out this year
that’s why im not wearing any
OH MY GOD
rhett
rhett
Hello, Scarlett
what r u doing
Still in jail, I’m afraid
UGH
i want to go out and no one can go out
I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you, my dear
i am so so so bored
Bored, my dear? With a mind like yours?
That’s something even I can’t imagine.
is that a joke
I can assure you I am quite serious
ur making fun of me
this is exactly why ur not received
Edgar Allan Poe
hey
where are you
?
hi
where are you?
you’re like two hours late
it’s almost midnight
i can’t get out of the house right now
is your car blocked?
do you need a ride?
no
it’s like
there’s this bird
there’s a bird on your car?
no he’s sitting on my statue
it’s like
mm it just keeps looking at me
got those fiery bird eyes
you know?
what?
fired up eyebirds
you know
like how when a bird looks at you so much
that you can’t leave the house
that’s
no
that’s never happened to me
well it’s happening like crazy over here
so i have to keep looking at him
it might take a while
oh and plus i fell asleep reading
i was asleep for like an hour
i literally just woke up
and now i have this bird thing to deal with
so i don’t think i’m going to make it tonight
sorry hun :)
search Contacts for “Lenore”
Contact not found
hey i’m going to be late to Kim’s thing
can’t really leave the house right now
save a seat for me though okay
is that bird still there?
no
lol what bird?
oh
yes
but that’s not the point
the bird’s fine, whatever
it’s the bells
the bells?
yeah
the bells, bells, bells, bells,
bells, bells, bells-
what bells?
from the jingling and the tinkling of the bells
what bells are in your house?
oh man what kind of bells AREN’T here
mellow wedding bells
golden bells
loud alarum bells
brazen bells
terror bells
terror bells?
All kinds of bells
the anger of the bells
the horror of the bells
the iron bells
sobbing bells, bells, bells, bells, bells,
bells, bells, bells, bells
okay
okay I’ll save you a seat
yeah definitely save me a seat though
i’m for sure going to make it
i just have to sit through the bells first
right
search Contacts for “Lost Lenore”
Contact not found
hey is Virginia going to be there
which Virginia?
the hot one
I don’t know which one you mean
the one who’s always sick
i think she has cholera
or tuberculosis or something
the tall one?
no
the redhead?
the one whose dad is brothers with my dad
your cousin Virginia?
lol idk how else you make cousins
except for having dads that are brothers
so yeah
oh
I don’t know
save me a seat next to her okay
if she’s coming
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Hi
ok don’t be mad at me
why?
i feel like you’re going to be mad at me
or like you’re mad at me
or something
so don’t be mad at me
you’re not coming
i can’t coooome to the thiiiiing tonight
i’m so sorry
you can’t leave the house?
oh my god
i canNOT leave the house
I feel like that’s turning into a thing with you
what do you mean
well
like last week
you couldn’t leave the house
because you were too busy looking at a bird
is it the bird thing again?
hi
whoa
hi
whoa
i wasn’t LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn’t stop LOOKING
at ME
okay
that’s a really big difference
anyone can look at a bird
i could go look at a bird right now if i wanted
i could go look at the same bird
he’s still fucking here
not that you asked
I literally just did ask
fuck you
why can’t you leave the house
oh my god
where to even START
there’s a heart in the floor
and it will not shut uppppp of beating
but that’s not even the main thing
there’s a cat with one eye that keeps calling me a murderer
well
did you murder anyone?
wow
you know what you sound like right now?
do I sound like the cat
you sound like the cat with one eye
I’m just asking because you said you had a heart in the floor
I said there WAS a heart in the floor
not that i HAD a heart in the floor
there are a lot of reasons a person could have a heart in their floor
not just murder reasons
thanks a lot though
Treasure Island
finddd
you want to know where the treasure is?
i don,t care
i dont care
i’ll tell you
You will?
tell you about treasures
tell you about all the treasures i wanna tell you about
Thank you
Thank you so much
this could end the fighting between the men
no but Jim
Jim Jim Jim Jim
Listen
I’m listening
I’m ready
listen to me
the real treasure is friendship, Jim
you and me is the real treasure
if I could rename Treasure Island
Id call it my friend jim island
I would
jim
jim remINd me
how many legs do you have
John…
no no no no yes
how many legs
do you have under your body
like for walking
I’m sorry
I shouldn’t have brought it up
is it two
because if it’s two
yes
are either of them A STICK
it’s two
then sounds to me like you’re one LUCKY Jim
♦
SWEET CHRIST
THE BLACK SPOT
ahahahha
This is a joke to you?
You laugh?
This is my death warrant
♦
what devilry is this?
how came you by this symbol?
it’s emojiiiis
hey jimbles
yes?
theres a LOT of things you can bury you know
not just treasure
what have you been burying?
nothinnnnnnng
what have you buried?
idk
what can’t you bury jim
im just saying if you want to bury something besides treasure
you probably can
what are you doing right now
jim?
hey can u look something up for me
how long do birds live
specifically parrots
jim
jim